MTB and my mental health - an explanation
 |
| Sunset at Mugdock Country Park, Scotland |
Mental health is a funny old thing. You feel happy talking about it until you're in the grips of a downward spiral. By the point you realise where you are it’s often too late to pull yourself out and you have to hang on and ride through the sewer until you reach the sea. During that phase there’s no way you want to talk to others about it. When you metaphorically get there, usually in a calm, early morning light, you feel battered, bruised, drained and fragile. But you know that you’ve made it through the shit storm once again. However, if you let yourself feel vulnerable and open up to others you often find a connection that blows you away.
Exactly that happened the other weekend when I met Andy and Aneela McKenna at the Stoked on MS MTB film night they’d arranged to show ‘This Way Up’ the film that Andy has made about his life living and riding with MS. Hosted by Andy’s friend and biking buddy Keith at Mugdock Country Park the evening became a celebration of the magic that happens when you combine MTB with that honesty and openness. Through the film they took the brave step of revealing the reality of their lives with MS. By allowing themselves to be vulnerable and talk about things that others might wish to hide, Andy and Aneela forged connections with those around them. Chatting afterwards we shared our lives and our experiences; our joys and our struggles; and found a mutual understanding that gave us all strength. We proved the theory of Brené Brown, US researcher and storyteller, who's work reveals the power of allowing ourselves to be feel vulnerable – essentially, if we let people to see all aspects of ourselves especially things which give us a sense of 'shame', we're able to be authentic and that leads to greatest sense of self-worth and long-term happiness.
My first bout of depression came during university, the second when my children were little and most recently in the last few weeks. Each time, it’s come back stronger but thankfully I now have the therapeutic resources and understanding to face it along with an ever-present determination to beat it. Since my first experience of depression I’ve found exercise to be my most consistent weapon against it. For me my body shape and physical strength is closely linked to my mental well-being. If my body feels strong, lean and efficient then I feel strong and resilient mentally. The second time depression sucked me in I tried therapy but for various reasons I didn’t have the mental space to focus on that, so I started a 14 year dependency on anti-depressants. I went to the gym and that helped balance the body shape/strength and resilience equation but it was the pills that kept me going. A couple of years later my second child arrived, and after the first had brought life threatening allergies this one brought a unique genetic mutation thrusting me deep into the world of special needs parenting.
My first bout of depression came during university, the second when my children were little and most recently in the last few weeks. Each time, it’s come back stronger but thankfully I now have the therapeutic resources and understanding to face it along with an ever-present determination to beat it. Since my first experience of depression I’ve found exercise to be my most consistent weapon against it. For me my body shape and physical strength is closely linked to my mental well-being. If my body feels strong, lean and efficient then I feel strong and resilient mentally. The second time depression sucked me in I tried therapy but for various reasons I didn’t have the mental space to focus on that, so I started a 14 year dependency on anti-depressants. I went to the gym and that helped balance the body shape/strength and resilience equation but it was the pills that kept me going. A couple of years later my second child arrived, and after the first had brought life threatening allergies this one brought a unique genetic mutation thrusting me deep into the world of special needs parenting.
I know many people are happy on anti-depressants and for many years I was too. Depression is such a personal and long-term illness that it is each to their own in how they live with it. In the turmoil of being a special needs mum I forgot the importance of time for myself and exercise. Whilst getting back into exercise a few years ago helped, it was only last year that I realised that I needed to regain my sense of self and that I didn’t want to live on pills for the rest of my life.
When I started mountain biking a couple of years ago (see Becoming Enduromum blog, link below) I was aware of two sensations – firstly that I could not think about anything other than the riding, when my attention wandered I risked crashing; secondly that I felt like my 14 year-old self: care free, capable of anything, enjoying the heady buzz of adrenaline and endorphins. But how does that translate to helping me find a way through anxiety and depression? With the help of weekly therapy sessions I’m learning that for me, the most valuable psychological element of riding my bike is not simply the endorphins and adrenaline boost. Best described by the psychologist Abraham Maslow’s concept of Peak Experiences, it’s those moments on each ride when I feel compelled to yell ‘I love my bike’. When I am consumed with an overwhelming sense of happiness, almost like I'm taken to a higher plane. In his work Maslow was referencing religion but for me it is something that occurs in the interface between bikes, friends, landscape. In that moment I’m truly happy, I can cope with anything that life throws at me. I have no need of material possessions (except my bike of course 😉), financial rewards, the validation of others because l know that I am ‘enough’. Slowly these moments are helping me to find an acceptance of myself and a self-worth. I’m not reliant on anyone else’s opinions or dreams – I can identify and follow my own. It’s not a quick solution and for every time I have those strong feelings of self-acceptance and self-belief I still have many that oppose them, but the balance is getting better. Lots of us with anxiety/depression get stuck in broken thought patterns that work as an unhealthy comfort blanket when we're feeling low. Using riding as a form of ‘mindfulness’, to be present, I am able to buy myself some space from those thought patterns. I’m then able to ‘bank’ those emotions and feelings for the next time I feel low.
 |
| Trying to capture that feeling in a selfie! Mid-ride on the Secret Weapons Roadtrip to Wales |
Community, work, mindfulness, adrenaline, endorphins, strength and resilience, self-reliance, adventure, outdoors, vivid memories. These are all the things that cycling has given me and when they're present in my life I'm able to keep my mental equilibrium and avoid the downward spiral into depression and burnout that's known as the 'exhaustion funnel' in mindfulness. We all have certain things that feed our psychological needs and maintain our mental health: I need to exercise regularly, I need to spend time with my mates on our bikes – we laugh, joke, counsel, tease, encourage and support each other – I need to work and contribute to something outside the home, and have as many mini adventures as my family can tolerate. It’s not selfish, it’s who I am and in order to be the most balanced version of myself I need to respect that in the same way I respect and think about what I eat and drink. It seems counter-intuitive that activities which take me away from my family will help me be a better person at home but in order to love and care for others, I have to love and care for myself. It’s hard work and I’m still in the very early stages of finding my answers but I’m working hard to get this sorted.
Becoming Enduromum blog - http://vickybalfourbikes.blogspot.co.uk/2017/07/becoming-enduromum-southern-enduro.html
Brené Brown - The Power of Vulnerability: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o